Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Who Wants To Apologize? How Simple Words Can Heal Your Life
Apologies… Why is it so easy for some and so hard for others to apologize? Usually, those who are reluctant to apologize do so because of fear. They are afraid of being humiliated, of being perceived as weak; of recognizing that they did something “wrong” or inappropriate or unacceptable; of being rejected; of accepting the fact that they are, after all, humans and therefore subject to errors now and then, etc.
Any reason that makes people feel uncomfortable is just an excuse which prevents them from simply apologizing. Declaring “I am sorry,” “I apologize,” “Please, forgive me,” is indeed very liberating, though nerve wrecking to some.
Of these expressions, the most charged is the latter for one simple reason: when you apologize the action comes from you; you are actively saying you are sorry. You are not really engaging the enemy, so to speak. Since you are doing the action, you can simply apologize, turn your back and move on.
On the other hand, when you ask for forgiveness, you become a passive player because you are not in charge of the outcome; rather, you are the recipient of someone else’s forgiveness. And that can be very scary to many.
In many cases, the questions that come to your mind might be: “What if the person does not accept my gesture?” and worse, “What if the person does not forgive me?” Your defense mechanism enters in a state of alertness. Your adrenals kick in, and the fight or flee reaction is triggered.
You may be afraid of being rejected; your self-esteem may be shattered, you might understand the powerful “truth” that you are not loved. You feel trapped and you become paralyzed and hence, you’d rather disconnect with the person than going so much out of your comfort zone.
So to get out of this trap, please, understand this one premise once and for all: It is not for you to decide if you are forgiven or not. Your doing is to apologize because you somehow hurt the person. That is all you have to do.
Whether the person accepts or not your apologies, whether the person will in fact forgive you is NOT your concern. Each person is responsible for their doings. You do yours, they do theirs. It is absolutely none of your business whether or not you are forgiven. It is your business to apologize once we understand apologies are in order. Simply that.
Some people naively think that they can control what others think and do and that is an absolutely waste of time. You can only control what you do. And that is it.
So, next time there is a need for you to apologize and you are afraid to do so, think that you are liberating yourself from any wrongdoing. Do it for yourself and know that the benefits of your action are far reaching, even more than you can imagine. By apologizing, you are, most of all, healing yourself, your life, the person, your relationship with the person, and the world.
Any reason that makes people feel uncomfortable is just an excuse which prevents them from simply apologizing. Declaring “I am sorry,” “I apologize,” “Please, forgive me,” is indeed very liberating, though nerve wrecking to some.
Of these expressions, the most charged is the latter for one simple reason: when you apologize the action comes from you; you are actively saying you are sorry. You are not really engaging the enemy, so to speak. Since you are doing the action, you can simply apologize, turn your back and move on.
On the other hand, when you ask for forgiveness, you become a passive player because you are not in charge of the outcome; rather, you are the recipient of someone else’s forgiveness. And that can be very scary to many.
In many cases, the questions that come to your mind might be: “What if the person does not accept my gesture?” and worse, “What if the person does not forgive me?” Your defense mechanism enters in a state of alertness. Your adrenals kick in, and the fight or flee reaction is triggered.
You may be afraid of being rejected; your self-esteem may be shattered, you might understand the powerful “truth” that you are not loved. You feel trapped and you become paralyzed and hence, you’d rather disconnect with the person than going so much out of your comfort zone.
So to get out of this trap, please, understand this one premise once and for all: It is not for you to decide if you are forgiven or not. Your doing is to apologize because you somehow hurt the person. That is all you have to do.
Whether the person accepts or not your apologies, whether the person will in fact forgive you is NOT your concern. Each person is responsible for their doings. You do yours, they do theirs. It is absolutely none of your business whether or not you are forgiven. It is your business to apologize once we understand apologies are in order. Simply that.
Some people naively think that they can control what others think and do and that is an absolutely waste of time. You can only control what you do. And that is it.
So, next time there is a need for you to apologize and you are afraid to do so, think that you are liberating yourself from any wrongdoing. Do it for yourself and know that the benefits of your action are far reaching, even more than you can imagine. By apologizing, you are, most of all, healing yourself, your life, the person, your relationship with the person, and the world.
